she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
