Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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