A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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