textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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