I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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