if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
