We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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