Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
