Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
