Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
