Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
