i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
