If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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