Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
last night I used snow as a chaser
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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