If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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