ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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