I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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