Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Randomize
