She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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