I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
And then he peed in my hair
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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