even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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