In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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