Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize