I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
