i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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