worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
