woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
