My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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