I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
