How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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