yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
