did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
