I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
