i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
