The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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