Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
