My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
not ubering you a puppy
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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