Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
