Welp...herpes.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
