Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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