Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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