please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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