Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
