she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Did we literally take a cab across the street
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
50% drunk capacity currently
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
