Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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