This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
