It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
