I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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