If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
