Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
