if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
