New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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