My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
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