i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
