one two three fourrrrnication!
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
