Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
