So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
