Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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