My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
