so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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