Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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